After these messages...

we'll be right back.

Thats right people. We are taking a few weeks off from the world of dating for sport. Why?

1. So we can do "real-work" for 2 weeks so our bosses don't get suspicious.
2. Come up with challenge numba TWO
3. Brainstorm new ways to stalk men of NYC.

So if any of you have any ideas for 2 and 3 or how we can make 1 irrelevant, we are all ears.

Until then, we are going to be reminding ourselves that we dont need pride anyway so we can gear up for another round.

Update: Midwest Man

I'm so behind on posts, I'm just going to plow through them all at once!

And this is a bit of a delicate subject, given that Midwest Man may or may not read this blog. And I know that one of his best friends does (that's right, C) and will occasionally cut and paste content in an email to him. (Please don't do that!?)

But for the sake of the leaderboard, I've now gone on three dates with him (with a fourth this weekend). He's GREAT. I'll write more on these soon...

Update: Man#1

So remember Man#1 (let's call him B), who is a cute hipster but took me to a horrible sushi place for lunch? He texted to ask me out to burgers...that was last weekend and I told him "Sure! I'll get in touch with you next week!"

But I haven't.

So can I just ignore him? That's mean. The alternative is to write and say that I'm not interested, but that's kind of mean as well. Or I could get burgers with him, but I would rather spend my time with people I really like.

Advice?

Date Recap: CFH Man#3, Date#1

On Monday night, I went on a date with a sweet guy we'll call Z. Time was running out and my schedule was quite busy, so I penciled him in for a 45-minute drink before dinner with my roommate (which, by the way, I'm going to argue is my (Wo)Man#4).

For whatever reason, it seems like I'm always stuck picking meet-up spots. I guess it's easy to tell I'm opinionated?

Of course, the cute Japanese sushi/sake place I pick doesn't have any bar seats. And my back-up bar is also packed. So we end up at a diner nearby, drinking wine (I tried to go for a carafe instead of a glass each, and his expression clearly implied he thinks I'm a lush).

His follow-up question, "So what do you do on the weekends? Where do you like to go out?" confirmed this. It seemed he was surprised (and relieved) that my idea of a good time is NOT to go out clubbing on Friday and Saturday nights. Obviously, my favorite thing to do is eat and that's how I spend my time. I'm going to assume that his calling my jacket "mini" was not a way to suggest that maybe I should cut back on my dinners out...

Z was incredibly nerdy in a really endearing way -- he wears glasses, has just a tiny bit of pudge, studied math and philosophy at Standford, got a masters in philosophy in London, went to Yale Law School for a year before dropping out, worked at a start-up internet company...and now works for Google. He just moved to Brooklyn and is SO excited to have his own place. (I half ignored the comment about how he can't wait for his mother to visit so he can buy lots of cool kitchen supplies.) He's incredibly smart and opinionated. He also happens to work with my mother's ex-boyfriend, who I guess is dubbed "Angry [B]" at work. (Sad.)

At the end of our date, he walked me to the subway (saying, you're not going to take a cab, are you? which is exactly what I was planning to do...but then felt guilty about it). I apologized for the time crunch but he assured me that he didn't mind at all. Which I took to mean that he was obviously bored the whole time.

BUT last night he texted to ask me out again...so I guess it wasn't all that bad. Can you guess what he proposed as one date idea (along with dinner/drinks)? BOARD GAMES. That's right. I actually kind of love it, but I'm not sure I like him as more than a friend. Would it be wrong to try and set him up with one of my single girlfriends?!

Public Apology

Dear J,

We, are assholes.

We totally missed your email. Probably because you are the first and only person to ever email us. (Thanks for taking the pressure off of our empty inbox).


Love your story. Also, we are glad to know that we've contributed to you being slightly less productive at work.

As we gear up for challeng numero DOS, I think we are gonna need some of your stories, insights and wisdom now more than ever.


We will chat with you soon to figure out eggsactly how you can drop some knowledge on us all.

xo
sixteen dates

(And yes, this is the blog's second reference to You've Got Mail. This should make Meg Ryan and Mr. Monday #1 pleased)

The taste of sweet, sweet victory

I'm happy to announce that I have (finally) crossed the mothereffin finish line. That's right ladies and gents, I successfully found four different people to date me.

To sum up the 4th date, it was successful in that we ate heaping piles of meat served on wax paper on a large tray with jars of beer. Could it get any sexier than that? B was super funny, smart, and just generally fun to be around. Not sure if B and I will enter dating territory, but I feel it was the best way to end this challenge - on a good note, embracing my carnivorous side and drinking Bud Light in a 32 oz styrofoam cup.

10 hours and couting...

to get any last minute dates, repeats or DTD counts before our official Sixteen Dates challenge is O-V-A.

All im saying, is momma likes a good cocktail, or 4. Please note I like my martinis extra dir-tay (I am from the dirty south) with 3 olives. Thanks.

KP - good luck on sliding into home. In more ways than one.

Don Draper Fail

Ok, we get it. You smile. You know people from the 90s. And you do, in fact, own a pair of jeans.

You aren't Don Draper.

But really, did you have to resort to this outfit? And that hat?!

You look old. Like you should be in Mary Poppins. Or my high school graduation c.2002. With grandkids in tow.

Somebody get this man a stylist and a skinny tie so I can go on living my fantasy.

Thank you.

Going once. Going twice. Sold!

First things first. Tonight is date numba 4, y'all! That's right. I'm crossing that finish line with 3 hours to spare. Ain't no shame in that.

Now to recap today's events.

I just started a new job and had to go to orientation today. It started with the inevitable and dreaded icebreaker activity where we had to pick someone's name out of a jar, find that person, and barrage them with a bunch of questions so we could introduce them to the rest of the group. This may have been somewhat enticing had the prospects in that jar not consisted of all women and a mere 2 men.

A woman named T found me and I gave her all the standard responses (i.e. when I graduated from grad school, where I grew up, how long I've lived in NY, etc). She then asked me, "Is there anything else?" When I gave her a quizzical look, she asked, "Like are you married? Single?" I was like, "Oh, I"m single." Guh. Does this really have to come up right now??! She smiled.

Everyone began introducing each other and reciting one impressive resume after the next (i.e. "So-and-So graduated with a doctorate from Harvard and a post-doc from Yale. He/she is director of psychiatric testing at the Albert Ellis Institute").

When it came to T's turn, she opened with, "This is KP. She's a single lady in the city!!!!" Everyone awkwardly laughed and looked my way as I smiled and waved my hand (trying to own it) feeling as if I were being auctioned off as a date at a charity event.

Thanks, T. Never had I detested icebreakers as much as at that moment. (Sidenote: One of my old supervisors was there and just stared at me like, "WHAT??!")

Fortunately, the day got better when the NYFD came in to give us CPR training. We each got our own blow-up doll (to take home). See Exhibit A.




Let's just say I blew him on the floor. And on the table. I think this is one for the DTC board (and maybe the DTD board).

I have standards.

I'm not one to judge looks (sort of a lie), but when it comes to spelling and grammar, I have standards.

If you can't tell the diff between it's and its, there and their, your and you're, you're out. Also, in case you missed Ms. Strayhorn's 1st grade class, when comparing two things it's than, not then. Possessives use an apostrophe. Too is different than to.

Oh, and punctuation? Seriously, it's quite simple. A sentence ends in a period. And if you're rambling on, not only should you reconsider emailing me, you should know how to use my friends semi-colon and comma.

I don't care if you're Don Draper, you didn't go to school, you're just smart and charming by grace of god, etc. Unacceptable. I kid you not when I say this is by far more unattractive than snotting on me, pooping in my bathroom on the first date, or any other inappropriateness you can think of.

Is this too much to ask?!?

Now, I'm not a heartless bitch. I can overlook a sentence ending in a preposition (see above) or even a mishap on your neither/nors. I'll cringe, but I can take one for the team.

But for the love of god, boys, as long as text and email remain viable forms of communication, learn how to write.

Please note: the above does not apply to foreigners. Especially tall, dark and handsome ones.

OCI Friday Leaderboard: Sept 10

Yes this one is a little behind but since we have TWO more days to bring in the rear, it seems fair and urgent to make up for last weeks leaderboard/REMINDERS:

Dates

KT: 5
KG: 4
KP: 3
CFH: 3*
MB: 2

* waiting for an official post about this third date before it goes in the books forever.

Repeats:

KT: 2
KG: 0
KP: 5
CFH: 2
MB: 0

Ok bottom three, you got 48 hours to HURRY THE JUNK UP.

It FINALLY happened

Yes. I got hit on in a coffee shop. With no prompting, or me even looking in his general direction.

Ok so this actually happened like two weeks ago but after the very justified angry email of the morning, i felt it was time to share.

Him: Stay in here as long as possible…because it’s really humid out there.

Me: Polite smile, Oh (fake laugh) yeah…I know right?

Him: Unless your from the south. In which case you’re used to it.

Me: Oh…I am.

Him: Oh yeah? What part.

Me: (EFF. How did I actually let this become a conversation) NC.

Him: (pleasantly surprised) Oh yeah, where?

Me: As I name my city, I’m waiting for him to have gone to the same high school as me or something (although at least a decade earlier)

Him: Oh ok I’m from Colubmus. South Carolina.

Wait so I’m confused. Why is that even a possible pretend coincidence. It’s not even the same state. And you are from the South, so why are you talking about humidity.















Rating:

Despite the failed and quite literal “talk about the weather” convo, I have to give him high marks for even trying. I know that takes guts (even when we are like, wait, why are you talking to me, and not in the cute surprised schoolgirl way).

Effort: 8
Date possibility: 0

Also a cute guy just walked in. The I realized he had on a sleeveless tissue tee. And it’s racer back. And he has a Luke Perry below the bottom lip thing. But no Alicia Silverstone, he’s not Luke Perry.

Effort: 0
Date possibility: 8. Then 0.

WTFreak?

I get to work this am, and this is the first message in my inbox from my dear friend T:

Subject: WTFreak

Why has no one posted in like 5 billions years? I mean, thank goodness I just finished night shift for awhile bc the blog def helped get me through and the lack of posting def would have affected me, my patients, and probably the entire city of baltimore.. But still.. GET ON IT

Old tricks

Yeah, I'm talking bout the old unsolicited number give away.

Despite having proven it's largely ineffective and oftentimes translates as "I'm forward and am free at midnight," sometimes SD just makes us do things that in other circumstances would be totesinappropes.

Enter bar scene last night: It's Fashion Week, which means a bar that usually gathers countless attractive men was instead filled with waif-like Amazon women and extremely handsome gay men.

Out of the 25ish (straight) men, we spot one that is decent and not accompanied by other women. He's with friends, doing a cute little lean across the room.

Two drinks in, I pull out the New Yorker, tear off a little piece, and scribble these simple lines:

You're cute. Call me.

KP is the excited messenger.

My friend thinks you're cute. You should call her. She's the one over there on her phone.

(Me, pretending I'm on phone.)

Now, any normal man would be flattered, blush, and even if he wasn't feeling it would say a quick and simple, Thanks.

Not this dude.

What?!? But I don't even know her!?

Ok, really? Really?! Give me my number back.

Fast forward two hours, I get a text from said victim:

"Thanks for number! I didn't get to say hi. Hope u are good."

Ohhhhhhkay. Hope you are GOOD? Hope you are GOOD?! Someone skipped 4th grade grammar.

Two strikes and unidentified man is out. Too bad, would have gotten me back in the game.

OMFG. best. email. ever.

So i got this email today from my friend who works in analytics. And I started laughing out loud.

A) because its awesome
B) because its proof someone wastes as much time as me with this blog

---

Subject: Just for fun

So I’m trying to create some word clouds for a client project so I’m learning to use a new tool. In order test my skills I needed to make a couple examples. And instead of being really bored doing this, I decided to be entertained and create a word cloud based off the conversations on SD. I might say, this turned out rather interesting. See attached.



Here are the top 5 things I learned about your blog while doing this and in typical analytical fashion a few recommendations for life optimization:

KG:
You are the center of conversations. Your initials clearly represent a large portion of the conversations either because you post a lot and/or you’re referenced a lot. Thank you for being an entertaining friend.

** Recommendation: None, keep being you.

Speed (dating):
This also covered a large portion of conversations. While there were only a few actual experiences, they resulted in a large number of references and comments.

** Recommendation: While the results of said speed dating may not be rewarding, this attributes to a good amount of writing material.

Thought/Think:
This can 100% validate what was said during this week’s Wednesday Wakeup Call; ladies, we think way too much.

** Recommendation: Stop thinking (is that even possible, I mean we are girls after all)

Drink:
Dead center of the word cloud and rather large. No explanation needed.

** Recommendation: Nothing much we can do about this one, I think this is a large portion of our lives, our friendships, and of course the success of any date.

Victory:
This is way too small and conversely, Failed is nearly double the size. You ladies should have way more victories than this shows!

** Recommendation: Give yourselves some credit, you all have had some big victories! Also, let’s work on the guy selection for the next challenge so you don’t have to use the word fail so often.

White Pie, White Lie, Creepy Guy

Ok. So remember the night KG and I went speed dating (and then failed to really follow up about it on the blog)? Well, I also failed to follow up on what happened to me post-speed dating...

Once KG and I parted ways (after desperately searching for a place to get a mothereffin slice of pizza) I went to my local pizzeria in Brooklyn. I wasn't boutsta to go home on an empty stomach and three vodka sodas (p.s. we were at the speed dating bar for 1 hour).

I ordered a slice. Enter attractive guy in a suit.

Him: Did you order yet?
Me: Yes.
Him: (Sigh). I'm tired.
Me: Long day?
Him: Yes. Very.
Me: I know what you mean. I just got back from speed dating. One guy told me he was from Pluto.

All of this led to a conversation outside of the pizza place where he told me I was really beautiful (ok, you got my attention). He asked for my name, number, and email (ok, pretty aggressive. Also, I had scarfed down my entire slice by this point). He then asked if I wanted to hang out THAT night (ok, very aggressive). I made up a lie and said I had plans with a friend (Netflix). He told me he would text me later that night (ok, creepy and desperate).

Subsequent texts received:
-an hour after I gave him my number: "hi :)"(Forrealz?? I told him to text me later in the week to meet up)

-the next day (Tues): "how are you?" (No response)

-the next day (Wed): "Hey...wanna go out for a drink?" (God he sucks so hard. I lied and told him I just got out of a long-term relationship and wasn't ready for the whole dating thing. I thought this would send a clear message to back the eff off).
His response: "Then let's not call it a date, let's just have a glass of whine (his error, not mine) and enjoy the great weather :)" (I told him no. If the creep factor wasn't a dealbreaker, the misspelling def was.)

-Friday: "How r you?" (No response)

-Tonight: "Hi KP" (No response)

Wtf? Totes creepy! I keep glancing out my window to make sure he isn't watching me, ready to chop me up into itty bitty pieces.

Alas, I'm still searching for numba 4. I wonder if that guy from Pluto is still available.

G-chat recap: Blind Date

CW: How was it? Or am I allowed to ask how it was anymore? Or do I have to read the blog.

KG: I love that KT posted my recap before I did. That’s why this blog makes me happy.

It was good.
It went from “Hmm, I dont think he's interested..”
‪To “oh wait, maybe he is…crap, but now I’m not interested‬…”
‪To “Oh you like music that I like…”
To “Oh heeeeeey drink number three…”

But I don’t think I feel any chemistry. But I had a good time.

CW: Soooo…he likes you and you don’t like him back?

KG: Sigh. No. Well maybe? Wait no.

Overall, the date was pretty good. No, I’d say fun. Partly because of the company, partly because victory tastes so sweet (final four baby!!), and partly (read: mostly) because of the booze.

Also I think a highlight was how creeped out he was at how incestual our friend group is.


He thought M introduced us and that our connections were limited to picture A.

But when he said something about M’s boyfriend P and then I commented, he was like, “wait you know P?”



And then I started to unravel exhibit B....

This feels like a chart from the L word…

Shout outs

Remember when you usta call in to the radio station after 10pm and give your shout outs (which until a few years ago I actually thought were shot outs)?

Well, I wanna give a shout out to my girl KG as she's drinking her way through the finish line.

I just received the following texts and thought I should share with the group. Because let's face it, we're at the edge of our seats waiting for real-time updates.

KG: Ok, on blind date. We just got drink 2. I think he's not interested. Is it rude if I get an appetizer anyway?

One hour later...

KG: Ok, actually much better. He likes R&B more than men and he's white. We've ordered 2 dishes and on 3rd drink. Aka I'm almost drunk

Hold up... did she just say he likes R&B more than men?

Men, take note.

Sounds like date numero quatro may be carrying KG through the finish line and onto the DTD leaderboard.

Date FOURplay

Ok so in some pre-date logistical emails for date numba four, several things have been established:

Delay of game
He apologized for taking a long time to get back to me as to where we should meet (that was thoughtful)

Proof of employment
In said apology, he said he got a new computer at work aka he has a job

I have weird humor
As my first instinct was to reply sending this image as a desktop background and saying “the attached pic will change your life.”

Touche
His response to my email was, “Quality, but have you seen this link

Oh shit
We are going to the SAME restaurant as epic bartender fail. I always suggest it bc I love it so much. And then remember why I haven’t been in a while.

At least this time, I’m not dressed like a softball coach…

Left in the dust . A plea for help.

So KT has kicked this dating challenge's ass (maybs even squeezing in a numba 5) and KG is not far behind, fist pumping her way across that finish line, with a few days to spare.

Me? While I did rack up another point on the repeats board this week, let's be honest. That don't mean a thang. Repeats ain't nothing but a number.

The point of this post is to help me land date numba 4. And fast. I'm desps. If anyone has any suggestions on where to find a man, please send them my way. If anyone knows of any equally desperate men, please send them my way. If anyone has bottles of booze to spare, please send them my way. I prefer Hendricks, but losers can't be choosers.