Don Draper Fail

Ok, we get it. You smile. You know people from the 90s. And you do, in fact, own a pair of jeans.

You aren't Don Draper.

But really, did you have to resort to this outfit? And that hat?!

You look old. Like you should be in Mary Poppins. Or my high school graduation c.2002. With grandkids in tow.

Somebody get this man a stylist and a skinny tie so I can go on living my fantasy.

Thank you.

Going once. Going twice. Sold!

First things first. Tonight is date numba 4, y'all! That's right. I'm crossing that finish line with 3 hours to spare. Ain't no shame in that.

Now to recap today's events.

I just started a new job and had to go to orientation today. It started with the inevitable and dreaded icebreaker activity where we had to pick someone's name out of a jar, find that person, and barrage them with a bunch of questions so we could introduce them to the rest of the group. This may have been somewhat enticing had the prospects in that jar not consisted of all women and a mere 2 men.

A woman named T found me and I gave her all the standard responses (i.e. when I graduated from grad school, where I grew up, how long I've lived in NY, etc). She then asked me, "Is there anything else?" When I gave her a quizzical look, she asked, "Like are you married? Single?" I was like, "Oh, I"m single." Guh. Does this really have to come up right now??! She smiled.

Everyone began introducing each other and reciting one impressive resume after the next (i.e. "So-and-So graduated with a doctorate from Harvard and a post-doc from Yale. He/she is director of psychiatric testing at the Albert Ellis Institute").

When it came to T's turn, she opened with, "This is KP. She's a single lady in the city!!!!" Everyone awkwardly laughed and looked my way as I smiled and waved my hand (trying to own it) feeling as if I were being auctioned off as a date at a charity event.

Thanks, T. Never had I detested icebreakers as much as at that moment. (Sidenote: One of my old supervisors was there and just stared at me like, "WHAT??!")

Fortunately, the day got better when the NYFD came in to give us CPR training. We each got our own blow-up doll (to take home). See Exhibit A.




Let's just say I blew him on the floor. And on the table. I think this is one for the DTC board (and maybe the DTD board).

I have standards.

I'm not one to judge looks (sort of a lie), but when it comes to spelling and grammar, I have standards.

If you can't tell the diff between it's and its, there and their, your and you're, you're out. Also, in case you missed Ms. Strayhorn's 1st grade class, when comparing two things it's than, not then. Possessives use an apostrophe. Too is different than to.

Oh, and punctuation? Seriously, it's quite simple. A sentence ends in a period. And if you're rambling on, not only should you reconsider emailing me, you should know how to use my friends semi-colon and comma.

I don't care if you're Don Draper, you didn't go to school, you're just smart and charming by grace of god, etc. Unacceptable. I kid you not when I say this is by far more unattractive than snotting on me, pooping in my bathroom on the first date, or any other inappropriateness you can think of.

Is this too much to ask?!?

Now, I'm not a heartless bitch. I can overlook a sentence ending in a preposition (see above) or even a mishap on your neither/nors. I'll cringe, but I can take one for the team.

But for the love of god, boys, as long as text and email remain viable forms of communication, learn how to write.

Please note: the above does not apply to foreigners. Especially tall, dark and handsome ones.

OCI Friday Leaderboard: Sept 10

Yes this one is a little behind but since we have TWO more days to bring in the rear, it seems fair and urgent to make up for last weeks leaderboard/REMINDERS:

Dates

KT: 5
KG: 4
KP: 3
CFH: 3*
MB: 2

* waiting for an official post about this third date before it goes in the books forever.

Repeats:

KT: 2
KG: 0
KP: 5
CFH: 2
MB: 0

Ok bottom three, you got 48 hours to HURRY THE JUNK UP.

It FINALLY happened

Yes. I got hit on in a coffee shop. With no prompting, or me even looking in his general direction.

Ok so this actually happened like two weeks ago but after the very justified angry email of the morning, i felt it was time to share.

Him: Stay in here as long as possible…because it’s really humid out there.

Me: Polite smile, Oh (fake laugh) yeah…I know right?

Him: Unless your from the south. In which case you’re used to it.

Me: Oh…I am.

Him: Oh yeah? What part.

Me: (EFF. How did I actually let this become a conversation) NC.

Him: (pleasantly surprised) Oh yeah, where?

Me: As I name my city, I’m waiting for him to have gone to the same high school as me or something (although at least a decade earlier)

Him: Oh ok I’m from Colubmus. South Carolina.

Wait so I’m confused. Why is that even a possible pretend coincidence. It’s not even the same state. And you are from the South, so why are you talking about humidity.















Rating:

Despite the failed and quite literal “talk about the weather” convo, I have to give him high marks for even trying. I know that takes guts (even when we are like, wait, why are you talking to me, and not in the cute surprised schoolgirl way).

Effort: 8
Date possibility: 0

Also a cute guy just walked in. The I realized he had on a sleeveless tissue tee. And it’s racer back. And he has a Luke Perry below the bottom lip thing. But no Alicia Silverstone, he’s not Luke Perry.

Effort: 0
Date possibility: 8. Then 0.

WTFreak?

I get to work this am, and this is the first message in my inbox from my dear friend T:

Subject: WTFreak

Why has no one posted in like 5 billions years? I mean, thank goodness I just finished night shift for awhile bc the blog def helped get me through and the lack of posting def would have affected me, my patients, and probably the entire city of baltimore.. But still.. GET ON IT

Old tricks

Yeah, I'm talking bout the old unsolicited number give away.

Despite having proven it's largely ineffective and oftentimes translates as "I'm forward and am free at midnight," sometimes SD just makes us do things that in other circumstances would be totesinappropes.

Enter bar scene last night: It's Fashion Week, which means a bar that usually gathers countless attractive men was instead filled with waif-like Amazon women and extremely handsome gay men.

Out of the 25ish (straight) men, we spot one that is decent and not accompanied by other women. He's with friends, doing a cute little lean across the room.

Two drinks in, I pull out the New Yorker, tear off a little piece, and scribble these simple lines:

You're cute. Call me.

KP is the excited messenger.

My friend thinks you're cute. You should call her. She's the one over there on her phone.

(Me, pretending I'm on phone.)

Now, any normal man would be flattered, blush, and even if he wasn't feeling it would say a quick and simple, Thanks.

Not this dude.

What?!? But I don't even know her!?

Ok, really? Really?! Give me my number back.

Fast forward two hours, I get a text from said victim:

"Thanks for number! I didn't get to say hi. Hope u are good."

Ohhhhhhkay. Hope you are GOOD? Hope you are GOOD?! Someone skipped 4th grade grammar.

Two strikes and unidentified man is out. Too bad, would have gotten me back in the game.