After these messages...

we'll be right back.

Thats right people. We are taking a few weeks off from the world of dating for sport. Why?

1. So we can do "real-work" for 2 weeks so our bosses don't get suspicious.
2. Come up with challenge numba TWO
3. Brainstorm new ways to stalk men of NYC.

So if any of you have any ideas for 2 and 3 or how we can make 1 irrelevant, we are all ears.

Until then, we are going to be reminding ourselves that we dont need pride anyway so we can gear up for another round.

Update: Midwest Man

I'm so behind on posts, I'm just going to plow through them all at once!

And this is a bit of a delicate subject, given that Midwest Man may or may not read this blog. And I know that one of his best friends does (that's right, C) and will occasionally cut and paste content in an email to him. (Please don't do that!?)

But for the sake of the leaderboard, I've now gone on three dates with him (with a fourth this weekend). He's GREAT. I'll write more on these soon...

Update: Man#1

So remember Man#1 (let's call him B), who is a cute hipster but took me to a horrible sushi place for lunch? He texted to ask me out to burgers...that was last weekend and I told him "Sure! I'll get in touch with you next week!"

But I haven't.

So can I just ignore him? That's mean. The alternative is to write and say that I'm not interested, but that's kind of mean as well. Or I could get burgers with him, but I would rather spend my time with people I really like.

Advice?

Date Recap: CFH Man#3, Date#1

On Monday night, I went on a date with a sweet guy we'll call Z. Time was running out and my schedule was quite busy, so I penciled him in for a 45-minute drink before dinner with my roommate (which, by the way, I'm going to argue is my (Wo)Man#4).

For whatever reason, it seems like I'm always stuck picking meet-up spots. I guess it's easy to tell I'm opinionated?

Of course, the cute Japanese sushi/sake place I pick doesn't have any bar seats. And my back-up bar is also packed. So we end up at a diner nearby, drinking wine (I tried to go for a carafe instead of a glass each, and his expression clearly implied he thinks I'm a lush).

His follow-up question, "So what do you do on the weekends? Where do you like to go out?" confirmed this. It seemed he was surprised (and relieved) that my idea of a good time is NOT to go out clubbing on Friday and Saturday nights. Obviously, my favorite thing to do is eat and that's how I spend my time. I'm going to assume that his calling my jacket "mini" was not a way to suggest that maybe I should cut back on my dinners out...

Z was incredibly nerdy in a really endearing way -- he wears glasses, has just a tiny bit of pudge, studied math and philosophy at Standford, got a masters in philosophy in London, went to Yale Law School for a year before dropping out, worked at a start-up internet company...and now works for Google. He just moved to Brooklyn and is SO excited to have his own place. (I half ignored the comment about how he can't wait for his mother to visit so he can buy lots of cool kitchen supplies.) He's incredibly smart and opinionated. He also happens to work with my mother's ex-boyfriend, who I guess is dubbed "Angry [B]" at work. (Sad.)

At the end of our date, he walked me to the subway (saying, you're not going to take a cab, are you? which is exactly what I was planning to do...but then felt guilty about it). I apologized for the time crunch but he assured me that he didn't mind at all. Which I took to mean that he was obviously bored the whole time.

BUT last night he texted to ask me out again...so I guess it wasn't all that bad. Can you guess what he proposed as one date idea (along with dinner/drinks)? BOARD GAMES. That's right. I actually kind of love it, but I'm not sure I like him as more than a friend. Would it be wrong to try and set him up with one of my single girlfriends?!

Public Apology

Dear J,

We, are assholes.

We totally missed your email. Probably because you are the first and only person to ever email us. (Thanks for taking the pressure off of our empty inbox).


Love your story. Also, we are glad to know that we've contributed to you being slightly less productive at work.

As we gear up for challeng numero DOS, I think we are gonna need some of your stories, insights and wisdom now more than ever.


We will chat with you soon to figure out eggsactly how you can drop some knowledge on us all.

xo
sixteen dates

(And yes, this is the blog's second reference to You've Got Mail. This should make Meg Ryan and Mr. Monday #1 pleased)

The taste of sweet, sweet victory

I'm happy to announce that I have (finally) crossed the mothereffin finish line. That's right ladies and gents, I successfully found four different people to date me.

To sum up the 4th date, it was successful in that we ate heaping piles of meat served on wax paper on a large tray with jars of beer. Could it get any sexier than that? B was super funny, smart, and just generally fun to be around. Not sure if B and I will enter dating territory, but I feel it was the best way to end this challenge - on a good note, embracing my carnivorous side and drinking Bud Light in a 32 oz styrofoam cup.

10 hours and couting...

to get any last minute dates, repeats or DTD counts before our official Sixteen Dates challenge is O-V-A.

All im saying, is momma likes a good cocktail, or 4. Please note I like my martinis extra dir-tay (I am from the dirty south) with 3 olives. Thanks.

KP - good luck on sliding into home. In more ways than one.

Don Draper Fail

Ok, we get it. You smile. You know people from the 90s. And you do, in fact, own a pair of jeans.

You aren't Don Draper.

But really, did you have to resort to this outfit? And that hat?!

You look old. Like you should be in Mary Poppins. Or my high school graduation c.2002. With grandkids in tow.

Somebody get this man a stylist and a skinny tie so I can go on living my fantasy.

Thank you.

Going once. Going twice. Sold!

First things first. Tonight is date numba 4, y'all! That's right. I'm crossing that finish line with 3 hours to spare. Ain't no shame in that.

Now to recap today's events.

I just started a new job and had to go to orientation today. It started with the inevitable and dreaded icebreaker activity where we had to pick someone's name out of a jar, find that person, and barrage them with a bunch of questions so we could introduce them to the rest of the group. This may have been somewhat enticing had the prospects in that jar not consisted of all women and a mere 2 men.

A woman named T found me and I gave her all the standard responses (i.e. when I graduated from grad school, where I grew up, how long I've lived in NY, etc). She then asked me, "Is there anything else?" When I gave her a quizzical look, she asked, "Like are you married? Single?" I was like, "Oh, I"m single." Guh. Does this really have to come up right now??! She smiled.

Everyone began introducing each other and reciting one impressive resume after the next (i.e. "So-and-So graduated with a doctorate from Harvard and a post-doc from Yale. He/she is director of psychiatric testing at the Albert Ellis Institute").

When it came to T's turn, she opened with, "This is KP. She's a single lady in the city!!!!" Everyone awkwardly laughed and looked my way as I smiled and waved my hand (trying to own it) feeling as if I were being auctioned off as a date at a charity event.

Thanks, T. Never had I detested icebreakers as much as at that moment. (Sidenote: One of my old supervisors was there and just stared at me like, "WHAT??!")

Fortunately, the day got better when the NYFD came in to give us CPR training. We each got our own blow-up doll (to take home). See Exhibit A.




Let's just say I blew him on the floor. And on the table. I think this is one for the DTC board (and maybe the DTD board).

I have standards.

I'm not one to judge looks (sort of a lie), but when it comes to spelling and grammar, I have standards.

If you can't tell the diff between it's and its, there and their, your and you're, you're out. Also, in case you missed Ms. Strayhorn's 1st grade class, when comparing two things it's than, not then. Possessives use an apostrophe. Too is different than to.

Oh, and punctuation? Seriously, it's quite simple. A sentence ends in a period. And if you're rambling on, not only should you reconsider emailing me, you should know how to use my friends semi-colon and comma.

I don't care if you're Don Draper, you didn't go to school, you're just smart and charming by grace of god, etc. Unacceptable. I kid you not when I say this is by far more unattractive than snotting on me, pooping in my bathroom on the first date, or any other inappropriateness you can think of.

Is this too much to ask?!?

Now, I'm not a heartless bitch. I can overlook a sentence ending in a preposition (see above) or even a mishap on your neither/nors. I'll cringe, but I can take one for the team.

But for the love of god, boys, as long as text and email remain viable forms of communication, learn how to write.

Please note: the above does not apply to foreigners. Especially tall, dark and handsome ones.

OCI Friday Leaderboard: Sept 10

Yes this one is a little behind but since we have TWO more days to bring in the rear, it seems fair and urgent to make up for last weeks leaderboard/REMINDERS:

Dates

KT: 5
KG: 4
KP: 3
CFH: 3*
MB: 2

* waiting for an official post about this third date before it goes in the books forever.

Repeats:

KT: 2
KG: 0
KP: 5
CFH: 2
MB: 0

Ok bottom three, you got 48 hours to HURRY THE JUNK UP.

It FINALLY happened

Yes. I got hit on in a coffee shop. With no prompting, or me even looking in his general direction.

Ok so this actually happened like two weeks ago but after the very justified angry email of the morning, i felt it was time to share.

Him: Stay in here as long as possible…because it’s really humid out there.

Me: Polite smile, Oh (fake laugh) yeah…I know right?

Him: Unless your from the south. In which case you’re used to it.

Me: Oh…I am.

Him: Oh yeah? What part.

Me: (EFF. How did I actually let this become a conversation) NC.

Him: (pleasantly surprised) Oh yeah, where?

Me: As I name my city, I’m waiting for him to have gone to the same high school as me or something (although at least a decade earlier)

Him: Oh ok I’m from Colubmus. South Carolina.

Wait so I’m confused. Why is that even a possible pretend coincidence. It’s not even the same state. And you are from the South, so why are you talking about humidity.















Rating:

Despite the failed and quite literal “talk about the weather” convo, I have to give him high marks for even trying. I know that takes guts (even when we are like, wait, why are you talking to me, and not in the cute surprised schoolgirl way).

Effort: 8
Date possibility: 0

Also a cute guy just walked in. The I realized he had on a sleeveless tissue tee. And it’s racer back. And he has a Luke Perry below the bottom lip thing. But no Alicia Silverstone, he’s not Luke Perry.

Effort: 0
Date possibility: 8. Then 0.

WTFreak?

I get to work this am, and this is the first message in my inbox from my dear friend T:

Subject: WTFreak

Why has no one posted in like 5 billions years? I mean, thank goodness I just finished night shift for awhile bc the blog def helped get me through and the lack of posting def would have affected me, my patients, and probably the entire city of baltimore.. But still.. GET ON IT

Old tricks

Yeah, I'm talking bout the old unsolicited number give away.

Despite having proven it's largely ineffective and oftentimes translates as "I'm forward and am free at midnight," sometimes SD just makes us do things that in other circumstances would be totesinappropes.

Enter bar scene last night: It's Fashion Week, which means a bar that usually gathers countless attractive men was instead filled with waif-like Amazon women and extremely handsome gay men.

Out of the 25ish (straight) men, we spot one that is decent and not accompanied by other women. He's with friends, doing a cute little lean across the room.

Two drinks in, I pull out the New Yorker, tear off a little piece, and scribble these simple lines:

You're cute. Call me.

KP is the excited messenger.

My friend thinks you're cute. You should call her. She's the one over there on her phone.

(Me, pretending I'm on phone.)

Now, any normal man would be flattered, blush, and even if he wasn't feeling it would say a quick and simple, Thanks.

Not this dude.

What?!? But I don't even know her!?

Ok, really? Really?! Give me my number back.

Fast forward two hours, I get a text from said victim:

"Thanks for number! I didn't get to say hi. Hope u are good."

Ohhhhhhkay. Hope you are GOOD? Hope you are GOOD?! Someone skipped 4th grade grammar.

Two strikes and unidentified man is out. Too bad, would have gotten me back in the game.

OMFG. best. email. ever.

So i got this email today from my friend who works in analytics. And I started laughing out loud.

A) because its awesome
B) because its proof someone wastes as much time as me with this blog

---

Subject: Just for fun

So I’m trying to create some word clouds for a client project so I’m learning to use a new tool. In order test my skills I needed to make a couple examples. And instead of being really bored doing this, I decided to be entertained and create a word cloud based off the conversations on SD. I might say, this turned out rather interesting. See attached.



Here are the top 5 things I learned about your blog while doing this and in typical analytical fashion a few recommendations for life optimization:

KG:
You are the center of conversations. Your initials clearly represent a large portion of the conversations either because you post a lot and/or you’re referenced a lot. Thank you for being an entertaining friend.

** Recommendation: None, keep being you.

Speed (dating):
This also covered a large portion of conversations. While there were only a few actual experiences, they resulted in a large number of references and comments.

** Recommendation: While the results of said speed dating may not be rewarding, this attributes to a good amount of writing material.

Thought/Think:
This can 100% validate what was said during this week’s Wednesday Wakeup Call; ladies, we think way too much.

** Recommendation: Stop thinking (is that even possible, I mean we are girls after all)

Drink:
Dead center of the word cloud and rather large. No explanation needed.

** Recommendation: Nothing much we can do about this one, I think this is a large portion of our lives, our friendships, and of course the success of any date.

Victory:
This is way too small and conversely, Failed is nearly double the size. You ladies should have way more victories than this shows!

** Recommendation: Give yourselves some credit, you all have had some big victories! Also, let’s work on the guy selection for the next challenge so you don’t have to use the word fail so often.

White Pie, White Lie, Creepy Guy

Ok. So remember the night KG and I went speed dating (and then failed to really follow up about it on the blog)? Well, I also failed to follow up on what happened to me post-speed dating...

Once KG and I parted ways (after desperately searching for a place to get a mothereffin slice of pizza) I went to my local pizzeria in Brooklyn. I wasn't boutsta to go home on an empty stomach and three vodka sodas (p.s. we were at the speed dating bar for 1 hour).

I ordered a slice. Enter attractive guy in a suit.

Him: Did you order yet?
Me: Yes.
Him: (Sigh). I'm tired.
Me: Long day?
Him: Yes. Very.
Me: I know what you mean. I just got back from speed dating. One guy told me he was from Pluto.

All of this led to a conversation outside of the pizza place where he told me I was really beautiful (ok, you got my attention). He asked for my name, number, and email (ok, pretty aggressive. Also, I had scarfed down my entire slice by this point). He then asked if I wanted to hang out THAT night (ok, very aggressive). I made up a lie and said I had plans with a friend (Netflix). He told me he would text me later that night (ok, creepy and desperate).

Subsequent texts received:
-an hour after I gave him my number: "hi :)"(Forrealz?? I told him to text me later in the week to meet up)

-the next day (Tues): "how are you?" (No response)

-the next day (Wed): "Hey...wanna go out for a drink?" (God he sucks so hard. I lied and told him I just got out of a long-term relationship and wasn't ready for the whole dating thing. I thought this would send a clear message to back the eff off).
His response: "Then let's not call it a date, let's just have a glass of whine (his error, not mine) and enjoy the great weather :)" (I told him no. If the creep factor wasn't a dealbreaker, the misspelling def was.)

-Friday: "How r you?" (No response)

-Tonight: "Hi KP" (No response)

Wtf? Totes creepy! I keep glancing out my window to make sure he isn't watching me, ready to chop me up into itty bitty pieces.

Alas, I'm still searching for numba 4. I wonder if that guy from Pluto is still available.

G-chat recap: Blind Date

CW: How was it? Or am I allowed to ask how it was anymore? Or do I have to read the blog.

KG: I love that KT posted my recap before I did. That’s why this blog makes me happy.

It was good.
It went from “Hmm, I dont think he's interested..”
‪To “oh wait, maybe he is…crap, but now I’m not interested‬…”
‪To “Oh you like music that I like…”
To “Oh heeeeeey drink number three…”

But I don’t think I feel any chemistry. But I had a good time.

CW: Soooo…he likes you and you don’t like him back?

KG: Sigh. No. Well maybe? Wait no.

Overall, the date was pretty good. No, I’d say fun. Partly because of the company, partly because victory tastes so sweet (final four baby!!), and partly (read: mostly) because of the booze.

Also I think a highlight was how creeped out he was at how incestual our friend group is.


He thought M introduced us and that our connections were limited to picture A.

But when he said something about M’s boyfriend P and then I commented, he was like, “wait you know P?”



And then I started to unravel exhibit B....

This feels like a chart from the L word…

Shout outs

Remember when you usta call in to the radio station after 10pm and give your shout outs (which until a few years ago I actually thought were shot outs)?

Well, I wanna give a shout out to my girl KG as she's drinking her way through the finish line.

I just received the following texts and thought I should share with the group. Because let's face it, we're at the edge of our seats waiting for real-time updates.

KG: Ok, on blind date. We just got drink 2. I think he's not interested. Is it rude if I get an appetizer anyway?

One hour later...

KG: Ok, actually much better. He likes R&B more than men and he's white. We've ordered 2 dishes and on 3rd drink. Aka I'm almost drunk

Hold up... did she just say he likes R&B more than men?

Men, take note.

Sounds like date numero quatro may be carrying KG through the finish line and onto the DTD leaderboard.

Date FOURplay

Ok so in some pre-date logistical emails for date numba four, several things have been established:

Delay of game
He apologized for taking a long time to get back to me as to where we should meet (that was thoughtful)

Proof of employment
In said apology, he said he got a new computer at work aka he has a job

I have weird humor
As my first instinct was to reply sending this image as a desktop background and saying “the attached pic will change your life.”

Touche
His response to my email was, “Quality, but have you seen this link

Oh shit
We are going to the SAME restaurant as epic bartender fail. I always suggest it bc I love it so much. And then remember why I haven’t been in a while.

At least this time, I’m not dressed like a softball coach…

Left in the dust . A plea for help.

So KT has kicked this dating challenge's ass (maybs even squeezing in a numba 5) and KG is not far behind, fist pumping her way across that finish line, with a few days to spare.

Me? While I did rack up another point on the repeats board this week, let's be honest. That don't mean a thang. Repeats ain't nothing but a number.

The point of this post is to help me land date numba 4. And fast. I'm desps. If anyone has any suggestions on where to find a man, please send them my way. If anyone knows of any equally desperate men, please send them my way. If anyone has bottles of booze to spare, please send them my way. I prefer Hendricks, but losers can't be choosers.

Wednesday Wake-Up Call: Sept 8

So this week's Wednesday Wake-Up Call comes from another featured Mr. Monday. Don't have time for a longer intro because I have to go back and re-read this knowledge that was just kindly DROPPED...

When asked to guest-star on this blog, I was a little nervous at first. I'm a numbers guy; words aren't my strong point. I'm REALLY good at writing "Attached, please find the latest version of the quantitative analysis. Please advise." Beyond that, my writing skills are about as smooth as KG in a lesbian softball coach outfit or a first date kiss with KT.

The direction of this post will be different than that of the first and second posts from fellow XYs to grace this blog. I'm actually going to offer up a couple pieces of advice on dating for women. Yes, I am that brazen/stupid. Yes, I have a few years of dating experience under my belt in NYC (more than a couple, less than countless). No, I never tried speed dating or online dating. Yes, I currently have a girlfriend. She is amazing.


Now that we got that long-winded-yet-important introduction out of the way, its time to make like Tracy Jordan and drop some truth bombs. It's what I do.

1. Be Direct & Honest.
Lying sucks. If you lie to get a date (or ON a date) and "pretend" to like something, you're doing yourself a disservice, and doing him a disservice. Think about it. You're misrepresenting yourself in a situation where you're supposed to be getting to know one another. Honesty is refreshing. Why hide anything? Do you still comb the hair on your collection of My Little Ponies? ROCK that. Do you love to scarf down a pound of prosciutto after a night of drinking? SCARF Away. Do you turn on every single light in your apartment when you get a glass of water at night because you're still scared of monsters? AWESOME. ME TOO. What's the worst that can happen? He likes you for you?


2. End It If You're Not Interested.
I've heard the "free dinner" argument, but I'm not buying it (no pun intended). For those economists out there, think Opportunity Cost. Leading someone on is more cruel than telling him you're not interested. It's 1,924,203.13 times better to be upfront and honest with someone. It's science............. +1 to the people who know who the guy is in that picture.


3. Stop Freaking Out.
If there's one differentiating (non-physical) trait between a girl and a guy, I would say it's thought process. Girls think waaay too much into waaay too many things from waaay too many angles. Guys are comparatively neanderthalic. A short list of things most girls worry about: location, conversation topics, humidity, cuisine, versatility of attire, hair, perception, wine pairing, updating friends, enough but not-too-much make-up, bathroom breaks, placement of the table in the restaurant, kissing, offering to pay, etc....... A complete list of things most guys worry about: button down or t-shirt, not sounding like an idiot. I guarantee that most things that may seem REALLY IMPORTANT are not really that important at all. He'll like you for you, regardless of whether or not your eye shadow is.... ahhhh who am I kidding I don't even know how to describe eye shadow.


4. He Is Out There.
It's true, despite what some naysayers say. Don't listen to what "can" and "can not" be. Don't settle for Wesley Snipes. You may have met him already, you may meet him 5 years from now. But he's out there. And he's the one.


Hopefully you found these male insights helpful. Look again, your dating life is now diamonds! I'm on a blog.

H to the izzo, F to the izzor

That’s right homies. I’m ‘bout-sta Pop Lock and Drop this biz (aka my fake swagger/dating challenge) across the fin-ash line.

Reasons why friends are the BOMB.COM: you tell them you are in a bind and they stand and deliver.

However, sometimes, over deliver?

Me: OMG, I only have a week to get date #4, and I have no idea how I’ll do it.

Enter awesome friend(s) from SF, M and M….

M sends this email to a guy that is currently in NYC for an abbreev amt of time:

Well here's the story - my amazing superstar friend from Duke, KG has been challenged to going on 7 blind dates in 7 weeks by her empathetic non-single friends who are mostly angling for some voyeuristic drama in their lives. Not one to turn down a challenge of any sort, KG is approaching week seven of this epic date-a-thon. Given that you are both fun happy cool creative ppl and that you will be in NYC for a few more days, I thought I would set you up for KG’s 7th blind date :)

Right.

Amazing. Wait. What? What challenge? Why seven dates? What's so special about 7?? I'm down with G-O-D but did he create this dating challenge? Or is this a Brad Pitt movie? I don't know how to approach any questions, comments or concerns.

So I am UUBER grateful - as I would never have secured date Numba Fo otherwise (...but forreal I wouldn’t). That said, I also realized that other ppl being creative is dangerous for several reasons:

1. Holy ish. He may/is gonna ask how dates 1-6 went

2. Holy ish. He may/is gonna ask why I have a 7 date/week challenge

3. Wait, why DO I have a 7 date/week challenge?

4. Wait if I did, would I have 7 empathetic friends?

5. Apparently not since it took me 2 moths to get 4 dates

6. Eff my friends

7. OMG friends don’t leave me, I need you for more dates

8. At least wine (both red and white) is always my friend. That and re-runs of How I met your Mother

9. Sigh.

So “blind date with creative guy” is tmrw and I have to say, I’m excited. There’s something kinda nice about knowing nothing about it.

Expecting the worst, but hoping for something interesting to blog about. So if anyone else has some friends to send our way, bring em on.

Until then, lets see how lucky numero cuatro goes.

Oh, and after all that talk, kinda thinking somehting like this SHOULD be our next challenge. Good thinking M...

Train encounters

I was just stuck underground for 56 minutes. On a train. Without AC.

Let me repeat, smelly peeps, 20 blocks, 56 minutes. A one-legged turtle could carry me faster -- with laptop in bag.

You might think I was ready to kill a kitten, because that's how us New Yorkers roll.

But alas, handsome man to the rescue.

Killer suit, Don Draper hair, Kindle in hand. (Omgee what Don Draper could have done for the Kindle.)

Dude would read a few lines, look up and flash me the classic I'm annoyed too, but ain't a thang we can do, honey look.

I would look down and flash the I can think of a few things that would pass the time look.

He would raise and eyebrow that said, My place?

I'd look away, Oh my. I didn't mean that. I was going to suggest reading over your shoulder...

He would be all, Forgive me. Let me buy you a drink.

I'd be all, I don't accept drinks from strangers.

He'd be all. Well don't be a stranger. My place. 8pm.

Unfortunately, the only look dude really flashed was his wedding ring.

And a look that said none too subtly, Why are you staring at me and blogging at the same time?

Next time, I'm cabbing it.

Update: Guy across the street

Finish my sweaty sesh at hot yoga tonight, which just so happens to be across the street.

Which just so happens to have a nice little balcony where everyone convenes after class.

Which just so happens to look directly into my studio apartment.

Which just so happens to have the lights on.

Which just so happens to reveal that you can see absolutely everything inside my place.

Which just so happens to include my bed, my shower, and my couch.

You think I'd learn my lesson. Walk in, peel off sweaty clothes, now blogging on couch. Naked, but much cooler.

Good night yoga peeps. Good night creepy guy across the street. Good night tourists on the top floor of the Circle Line bus tour. Good night moon.

Oh, and for those of you who can see me, don't judge me for eating this Cutie Tofutti in bed.

So, you CAN get a date on a Lesbian Vacation

Yes, that’s right chica’s, I’m pulling on up to the winners circle as I just secured my final diz-aaaate (more deets to come on that) but first, a quick recap of the last few days…

San-fran-tastic…

** Saw a hottie mc hot hot at a Stanford tailgate and immediately imagined us having adorable mixed babies and fighting over if our kids would go to Stanford or Duke (sigh, gotta love elitist fantasies)

** CW’s (female) boss told me I looked pretty (yes, that’s all it takes for me to feel accomplished for a weekend)

** San Francisco food = eating my body weight in carbs


San-fran-fail…

** San Francisco food = eating my body weight in carbs

** CW losing her fave sunglasses .5 hours into the trip and almost breaking her finger on the plane (reserving lesbian joke possibilities for the sake of, well, anyone reading this)

** Burning myself on my curling iron, well moreso branding myself as my right arm now says CON (of Con-air, the brand, not Nick Cage). This happened shortly after I, literally, punched myself in the face while trying to pull up the sheets in a much needed nap.

** I got my favorite ring confiscated at the airport. That’s right. Confiscated. The bia at security told me I was rocking brass knuckles and despite my efforts to explain that I bought this (one of a kind) ring at the checkout line at Urban for $12, she still considered me armed and dangerous.


That ring was such a good conversation starter. Especially after my sprained wrist healed and no longer had an excuse to rock a wrist brace.

I would say I can just rest on my charm, but clearly, I will need to find another prop before tomorrow’s date…

Meat Man

Food or sex?

A hot and steamy hairy-chested Italian or a gorgeous plate of melt-in-your-mouth prosciutto?

'Tis is the question that plagues millions of women around the world.

Both can make your eyes roll back in your head, but let's face it, the prosciutto is more likely to give me an orgasm. The problem: prosciutto can't give me the post-coital cuddle.

Now imagine if you could have both.

Enter the best Italian deli/restaurant in all of Manhattan. Sure, I am biased. Their 24-month prosciutto is to-die-for. (So good it's only sold at 7 places in the United States.) And the guy at the meat counter... HOTTEST. MAN. ALIVE.

For those of you who have recently become a Meat Man follower, you know what I'm talkin bout. For those of you who haven't, let's just say I've gained some prosciutto pounds getting my flirt on.

I've made all kinds of excuses to drop by and order a half-pound of this, a half-pound of that. I've had dinner parties, packaged meat as gifts (don't act like you didn't like it), even taken aSixteenDate there. All to see the Meat Man.

And this week, after weeks of flirting and snickering about his mouth-watering sausage, I got the digits.

Which means I am one step closer to what is sure to be the most orgasmic experience of my life. (Picture hot steamy sex with prosciutto dangling from... or don't. Hate for you to lose your appetite.)

Anyway, it turns out Meat Man is a personal chef. Yeah, get jealous.

For the first time in my life, I'm thrilled that my kitchen is five feet from my bed.

Bring on the prosciutto.

P.S. This is likely to trump the time I lured the pizza guy into returning after his late-night shift to deliver a free pizza and some hot action. And no, that's not a porn but the start of one of my favorite college romances. Loves ya Mario!

Dear guy across the street

It didn't take you long to realize the new tenant across the way lives by herself. And often likes to be, shall we say, free.

Of clothing.

Yes, working, reading, cooking (ok, that's a stretch...), eating dinner while watching Jon Hamm be the hottest man alive -- always better sans clothes.

But seriously now. Are you stuck in that window? I mean, I see you. And you see that I see you.

You're cute. I'll give you that. But that is no excuse to let the creep out.

Now, if you want to come down and ask me on a date in person, I might be inclined to put some clothes on.

Wait a minute, am I seriously considering going on a date with Rando who watches me sleep at night?!!?!!!!

I think it's time for another SixteenDates intervention. Look what you've done to this girl.

P.S. Kudos to anyone who can tell me the window climbing reference here...

Too close for comfort

It’s all fun and games until:

1) You are looking through prospects on one of the online dating sites and you see TWO people you know.

2) You realize that this could have happened to THEM or other men you know also.

3) You realize this could have happened with men you WORK with. Or I guess even girls (this thought becomes more relavant when people you work with could think you are a lesbian). Oh. Junk.

4) You are chatting with someone about the blog and one of the guys you went on a date with randomly comes up. Like physically comes up. “Whatcha guys talking about?”

5) People start using the blog as blackmail.

6) This blog comes up in business negotiations.

So, are you lesbians, or fag-hags?

Wait, so after two months of failed dating in NYC, these are my only two options now?

Let me back up by saying that I am essentially on a couple’s retreat with my roommate CW. We always joke that we are “life-partners” or each other’s significant others (even though she now has a real BF so we sometimes have to re-evaluate) but never before had we encountered actually being considered a couple.

Several interesting/hilarious facts that contribue to this:

1. We decided to take a labor day vacation to San Francisco

2. She was going due to a work trip and I decided to tag along for the free hotel room/free cabs

3. We have a day activity planned with her parents

4. We are having brunch with her boss and her boss’s family

5. She told me I was welcome to come to any of the work convention events, but that it might be kind of weird

6. I responded “of course, that’s totally unprofessional”

7. She responded, “no, its not that, it’s just the nature of the conference…”

Yes, my female roommate and I are at national convention for lesbian and gay journalists.

Before I left NYC, I was reading the blog at work and one of my old bosses came by. When he asked “what are you doing?” I quickly clicked any other window besides the blog to avoid being outted.

Of course, the document behind it was the word doc CW sent me outlining our trip entitled “KG and CW’s Lesbian Vacation” due to the ridiculously hilarious circumstances.

After a moment of silence he said, “so, are you a lesbian?” Despite me trying to laugh it off, say "NOOO" and explain the whole story, it seems like I was worried about being “outted” in all the wrong ways. Apparently "herway" being on my screen has a whole new meaning.

Although we are having an amazing time, this is not helping my chances with the challenge. Last night we not only got asked “so…are you lessies or fag-hags” but we got approving looks from many other gay couples (I mean, we looked hot) and went to an after party involving copious amounts of champagne and cheesy pop.

At lunch today:

Me: That waitress totes thinks we’re together

CW: That’s because we just ordered a bottle of wine for lunch and the only aphrodisiac on the menu.

I mean, I kinda wanted to throw this on the DTC (does this count?) board ,but I felt that I couldn’t justify a lessie vacay as a real date. I mean, we do have separate beds afterall.

So when I get back to NYC I will have only a week to find and land a final date with a guy who’s eyebrows aren’t more sculpted than mine…

If you guys have any suggestions, please let me know. For now, napping off today’s gluttony.

Date Recap: Man #1, Dates#1 and #2

Okay, so I should have posted this last week, right after my first date. And certainly before I posted on Man#2 (aka Midwest Man). And on Date #2 with Man#1…

But anyway, here goes:

Background –
Met on okcu. He’s 31, has a masters in classical music composition, lived in one of my favorite cities (Portland, OR), is tall, hipster-y, lives in Bushwick. He’s currently in a band, teaches music, and sells real estate. Oh, and his initials are BJ. For real.

Date #1–
Long story short, it was fine. He’s nice/smart/cute but….eh. He told me that he used to be a drug dealer (TMI for a first date!). I thought he was gay for the first five minutes of our date, which is obviously not a good sign. I paid for the second round of drinks, which was more than twice as much as the first round. The conversation was easy, but I really didn’t feel too many romantic sparks. I made a point to kiss him on the cheek so he couldn’t kiss me goodnight. I could see him as a friend?

Date #2 –
I started to post about this Wednesday, and now I feel like a bi-atch. Yes, he did pick a terrible lunch spot. Yes, it was cheap and my stomach is still grumbling from the bad sushi. Yes, he let me pay for half (it was $20! And we split the first date. I really think he could have paid). On the upside, he’s incredibly sweet. He skipped out of work to hang out, told me he thinks I’m awesome/smart/fun/pretty in a non-awkward way. And he said he’d give me guitar lessons for free…

In the end, I ducked out a bit early and made sure he couldn’t kiss me. It was daytime, after all. I like his company, but not really interested in more than a guitar lesson or two. Meaning, I probably shouldn’t see him again.

Lunch with DR

I don’t mean to beat a dead horse, since I am no longer (nor ever was, really) interested in this friend of mine. But I was so mortified when he shot me down the other week that I just want y’all to know that he has been sending very mixed signals for months.

Case in point:

He leaves work today to grab lunch with me. I meet him in a glasses store. He milks the fact that everyone thinks we’re bf/gf and calls me “hon” a number of times. He slides his foot over so that it’s practically on top of mine. He finds a million reasons to touch my arm/back within the first three minutes of meeting up. When he says hello / goodbye, he gives me a kiss on the cheek and always puts his hand in that intimate spot on the small of my back for a couple moments too long.

I know, I know – I’m reading into everything. And I really, truly am NOT interested in dating him. So that's it -- no more posts on this guy. I'm over it.

My better self speaks French

So a few days ago I created an alternate okcupid identity (yes, I am actually admitting this. And no, I did not fill out a complete profile. Just the basics). Anyway, I created a second profile so I could do some repeat looks at guys' profiles or let my friends view them (Okcu tracks who visits your profile).

She is similar to me on certain things (age, religion, education level) but has some upgrades:

- Her user name is SO much funnier and creative than mine. I really wish I would have thought of it when I created my actual profile.

- Her pic (found on google images) is HOT (not to trot) and artsy. Perfect profile, great jawline, sexy glasses, etc.

- She speaks French fluently

- She is taller and skinnier

The fact that she became my ideal self was more of a subconscious thing. Turns out the guys who visit my better self's profile are WAY HOTTER than the guys who visit mine. Shit.

So I thought I'd let you guys know that I am using this to my advantage and messaging said hot guys under my real okcu profile in an attempt to land date number 4. Hope they like KP v.2.0 as much as they like KP v.3.0.

TMZ Breaking News: KT Celeb Date #6

Ok, I know this doesn't fit anywhere on the blizzog, but this is just too good not to share.

Totes just ran into Leighton Meester a block away from the office. These mid-day snack runs are really helping me on the celeb dates leaderboard. Probs not as good for my lady figure. Then again, I'm comparing myself to Blair Waldorf who is officially 97 pounds.

Anyway, we didn't really have the quality date that JGL and I had yesterday. But she did look at me from the steps of Marc Jacobs and then stared at me from inside the cab at the corner as they almost ran over me. Her eyes said a little something like:

"Seriously, stop staring. Oh, and did you know I'm the one who sings that 'Somebody to Love' song? Also, Chuck Bass is totes gay. But don't tell anyone I told you."

I should note this isn't the first run in with Leighton. There was that time they were filming GG outside my apt c. 2008 when I walked through a scene on my way home from work, went upstairs to change clothes, and came back down all dressed up pretending to be an extra.

The director looked me up and down and goes, "Weren't you wearing something different five minutes ago?"

At least I wasn't wearing this...

Wednesday Wake-Up Call: Sept 1

Ok so Mister Monday strikes back. But now, on Wednesday.

Understandably, the only wake up call any of us are REALLY looking for on a Weds is not from an effing blog. But given our current status, we gotta hear how it is from the boys.

Here at SD we're keeping the guy advice coming so that we can all make it to that place where we actually wake up with a real man. Until then, enjoy your Wednesday Wake-Up Call from the boys' club.

Last week, our Mister Monday told us about how other girls in the city are bringing the heat via online dating.* This week’s Mr. Monday recounts his first date in NYC:

As a recent transplant to NYC, I thought I would bring an outside perspective and share a recent dating experience of my own…

The background: I have been in the City for 3 months now and was/am simply looking for someone fun and similar to hang with.

The set-up: We were introduced through a mutual friend via email and had written back-and-forth a couple of times to warm up to each other and figure out a time/place to meet up.

The attire: Yes ladies, guys do care how they look and dress. Some, I have noticed (especially in NYC), take it way too far. I decided to go casual with jeans and a t-shirt. I didn’t want to look like I was trying too hard. I did have gel in my hair.

The venue: We ended up meeting at a bar. Some may say “real classy,” but I thought it was really a great place for a first encounter. If the conversation got boring, I could either drink myself into a good time or at least look interested, but distract myself by watching the football game (while continuing to drink of course).

The rundown: Despite my skepticism, it went surprisingly well. The conversation flowed all night; we had a lot in common and shared some laughs. I tried to pace my drinking so I didn’t come off as too much of a drunk, at least right away. I admit toward the end I couldn’t contain myself and ended up having one more beer. When the tab arrived it was a whopping $15…amazing. Salads don’t even cost $15 in New York. Being old fashioned and the gentlemen that I am, I decided to pick up the tab. When I asked the waitress on the way out the door if it was happy hour, she replied with a wink “it’s Anna-hour.” Sorry getting a little off track but thought I would share.

The departure: I could tell from how smoothly the night went that it wasn’t going to get emotional and weird. It was a pretty painless goodbye with a simple “I had a nice time” and “it was great to meet you, hope to meet up again soon.”

Nice, I got the teaser for round two!!

The recap: Overall, Paul has potential. Yes...Paul. All and all, my first NYC “man-date” went well.


No ladies, I’m not looking for romance…but when you are feeling down and out about finding Mr. Right (or even a guy that resembles him) remember that you are not alone.

It is even hard for US GUYS to wade through the d-bags and Jersey boys to find a good friend in the Big Apple.

-- Mister MANday (via Wednesday Wake-Up Call)

OK. So this week’s man was looking for Bromance vs. Romance, but I think the lesson is clear:

If boys can put that much setup and energy into a “man-date,” there aint no way we can settle for anything less from a real-date. Forget asking about what you do for fun, or disasterous ex-es, maybe our new line should be, “when was your last man-date?”

* Last week’s Mister Monday, still available, and has yet to follow up on any of the match.com dates.

** This week’s Mr. MAN just moved across the coast for a beautiful girl (cue the “awwww” sound).

For any romance or bro-mance suggestions for either, or to be a future guy guest blogger, hit us up at: sixteendates (at) gmail.com

Second date with date #1

I'm about to go on date #2 with date #1...and I don't really want to.

Mostly because he suggested we get lunch at Sushi Lounge on St Marks. They have good lunch specials, sure, but a-that place is dirty and b-it's on St Marks. Gross. I want to suggest another place, but I already picked all the places on our first date so that would be a bit much. I can already tell that there will be no date #3.

(But hey, this way I'm on the repeats leaderboard.)

Where NOT to find a date...

You thought the speed dating prospects were shoddy, I'm sitting here in a sea of old molely people, pimpled teens, and botoxed moms.

Such is the clientele of a dermatologist's office. On the Upper East Side.

And yes, I'm blogging from the waiting room for three reasons:

1. Any event that requires me to wear non-period underwear and shave my legs deserves a post.
2. Any time not at the office is spent thinking about potential dates.
3. A man is about to put on some binoculars and stare my body up and down.

Don't lie, you're totes jeal.

Ok, got to go get undressed for my mole check. Kind of excited.

Oh. JUNK…Rematch?

So for anyone who remembers my 6% approval rating disasterpiece, there is a potential for a rematch.

That’s right, while reading through all of yesterday’s amazing updates and newfound Midwestern Hottie fame, I get THIS email:

Hi KG!

I hope you're doing well. I am starting to put together this week's “column” and I think I have another good match for you! He's very cute and has an awesome job as an auction house expert.

I would like to feature you as a choosee. If you're chosen for the date it would mean that you'd need to be available one night in the next week and a half for the date.

Please let me know that you are available!

Ok several things:

1. Heard it all before.

2. WTF is an auction house expert? (Trying to decide if this will be a step above or below getting rejected by a male nurse)

3. The amount of times I’ve listened to Backstreet Boys in the last week has exceeded “oh, what a fun throwback” status, so I’m not sure I’m in any place to judge.

4. I DO need ONE more date in the next two weeks. And I’m out of town the next 5 days.

5. I tried googling the answer to question 2, but I got bored.

6. Why am I always a choosee, but never a choose-ER? I feel like Katherine Hiegel circa 27 dresses, but way less hot and with less closet space (That one’s for you Charisse)

So my question is, do I pretend to listen to my pride for once, or go back to old faithful “everything we do, we do for the story,” and go for round two? Ladies?? Anyone else who still reads this??

Dear Hot To Trot,

Ok, ok. I guess the cat's outta the bag.

If I were 15 again, this would def go on the record as a traumarama moment. Except at 15 I would most likely slam my bedroom door, cry, and convince myself my life was over.

At 26, I'm proud to report that there were no tears, no slamming of bedroom doors (although I don't really have one), and no catastrophic thinking (well, maybe for like 5 seconds). I'd like to take this as evidence that I am really growing into a mature and sensible adult. Although I'm pretty sure mature and sensible adults don't refer to attractive men as "Hot To Trot", search and post pics of steamy piles of shit, and consider trashy day sex to be a viable date option. I'd like to think it was all for the blog.

So thank you, HTT, for supporting the blog, allowing it all to come full circle, and most importantly, helping us score a movie deal out of it. Although I can't promise you any cuts, I will make sure you are played by Jared Leto.

Yours Truly,
KP

P.S. Feel free to be our Wednesday guest blogger this week.

TMZ Breaking News: KT Celeb Date #5

Totes just ran into Joseph Gordon Levitt outside my office.

We got caught up in the traffic and he flashed me a look that said the following:

"I'd totally do you if you weren't insanely busy at work and I wasn't all with my friends and probs filming some movie. I'd hate to get all serious and fall in love when I have be back in LA to film our 30 Rock from the Sun reunion next month. But really, you're adorable."

That, my friends, was a five-minute conversation spoken only through adoring looks.

And that, SDers, counts as my Date #5.

JGL + KT = BF/GF 4eva

Didn't make the cut

Here is a compilation of messages received on okcu. Let’s just say these didn’t exactly encourage a response. Please feel free to add to the list, Sixteen Daters!

(We feel kind of guilty about this, but it's funny.)



To CFH:
You look like Jesus running across a snowy field. You know, If Jesus wore boots and was a girl and stuff...

To KP:
hi, young adult books. i went there too, but i listed some in my profile which ones have you read??? hope to hear form you -S
-and then-
2nd try. i sent you a message a while ago asking about young adult books you never got back to me which is fine, but who knows maybe you over looked it or something. so here i am saying hi again hope to hear from you

To KP:
Adventure. I know most people write things on their profile that they don't actually mean (unlike me) but if you truly want an adventure then you should try a tickling session. It's something you've never done before, a great workout, you'll laugh your head off through the entire experience (including snorting which you say you do when you laugh) and it will be the adventure of your life.
-63% Enemy 27% Friend 17%-
the next day. Via instant message.
*tickling your feet right now*

To CFH and KP. On the same day. Verbatim.
-Personal intro (extrapolating details from each of our profiles), then…-
I got back on Thursday night from a 10-day vacation to eastern Europe -- I managed to go out Friday night but I'm still a little jet-lagged -- looking forward to watching HBO tonight. What did you do this weekend?
Best,
A

To CFH:
It would be awesome if we could chat tonight. I just really want to explore my bi and submissive urges with a girl. Let me know if you're interested :)

To CFH:
Hey there how are you! You really caught my attn reading ypur profile and would really love to get to know you, chat wink email fax whatever works, maybe grab an ice cream cone or a cold drink and just enjoy your company.

To CFH:
hey I thought you were special .You seem like a fun and attractive girl. I just took a new job as an assistant golf pro. You seem like a girl that would enjoy a nice guy not one that's out to play games. I just want to make you laugh.

Date Recap: CFH Date #2

How we met:
M and I know each other through a mutual friend. We’ve met in the past but never really hung out one on one. We found each other on okcu (“research” on both our parts) and decided to get a drink.

About him:
M is a radio producer in his late 20s, lives in Clinton Hill. Handsome, charming, smart. He also always seems to be dating someone new.

Date:
Since M was sent the link to this blog by our friend (NOT by me, ladies!), I can’t say much. He promised not to read it, but if I were in his shoes I would probably read it anyway…so…I’ll just say that for some reason I was dreading it, but ended up having a really lovely time. I'm looking forward to round 2, which will hopefully involve tequila. (Because he’s a fan, not because I’m an alcoholic).

Now, for the funniest part of the evening:

Towards the end of the night, he admitted that he’d read our blog and had a confession. I’m blushing, of course, because boys aren’t supposed to read any of this shit. And, a confession?! That doesn’t sound good. Has he read my embarrassing posts and decided there’s no chance he’ll ever be seen with me again? Did he ask me out just to get my numbers up, because he noticed I was trailing on the leaderboard? (I was on vacation! And joined late!, I’m thinking.)

No. He was reading through the blog and realized that he is Midwest Man. Yes, that’s right – of KP Date #3 and possible booty call fame.

I mean, really?!?! Really. Just my luck. Does our rendez-vous even count as Date #2, given our no recycling policy? Comments, please.

Speed dating…

Been thinking about trying out speed dating? My diplomatic but also honest answer: try it. If nothing else, you GOTTA do it for the story.

The first time I did it (speed dating that is) I met a male hooker. I figured there was no where to go but up.

Because I’m exhausted and watching Chelsea lately, I will fill you in on the aftermath and save the actual Speed Date recap for manana.

We got there at 7:30. Started by 7:50 and were done before 9.

Note: There are no places to get food on Canal Street open at 9pm. Not even Burger King.

Consensus: Speed Dating is like shopping at Kohls. It seems like a decent idea but always kinda “eh.”

So after agreeing that everyone was lame but the event was entertaining, we went back to our apartments. Aka I was at the pizza place below my apartment.


KG: (in response to a group text btwn 4 of the 5 sixteen daters) KP, do you remember that guy rich, I think I have him as a maybe? What do you think.

KP: Yeah, I put him as a question mark too. He was a totally decent sweater at Kohls.





Lessons learned:

1. Despite the “decent, but not even that amazing deals,” it’s not time to shop at Kohls.
2. Don’t trust the guy at the pizza place on “his favorite” slice.
3. Pretending that you aren’t going to eat the entire slice before you get to the fifth floor isn’t fooling anyone.
4. Red wine does not cure heartburn.

Oh and detailed character recap coming soon. One dude said he was from Pluto.

Broke down Monday

Several things.

1. We decided to move Mr. Monday to Wednesdays. There is entirely too much weekend Tom Foolery to recap/recover from on a Manic Monday and getting Man-handled via the interwebs (and not the way we all really want/need to be manhandled...well, it wont help matters.)

So get ready for "Wednesday Wake-up call" because it's coming to a blog near you. Aka this one. On Weds.

2. Holy crap. CFH, welcome back to the game.

3. So now that CFH/KP don't need our polite offer, I guess I'm back on the hook for speed dating. Im wearing a half ponytail with twists. Speaking of babysitters club, I look like Dawn (the new-er school one, with Alex Mac)

Also, Im so slammed at work that havent eaten until now. I'm not wearing make up. I just chugged a large Dr. Pepper from Burger King.


And my shoe just broke. But like, forrealz. Oh yeah, and I dont think I can make it home before hand. Which means I'll be rocking 2 different shoes. And I'll be bringing my work laptop.

I am in no way, prepared for waht's about to come...

Update

A couple things:

1. I know I owe a recap of date #1. Coming soon. And, I may be on the repeats leaderboard this week as well.

2. Date #2 is a friend of a friend, and just happens to have been sent this blog's URL by our mutual friend. So...I will not be posting very much about said date. (Why does he know about the blog, you ask? B/c we found each other on okcu, which I explained by saying that I have a dating blog. When he asked our friend about this, she said, "Oh no, Christina doesn't have a blog!" And then I sent her the note a few days later about it, so she forwarded it along, etc. etc. Yes, it is (maybe more than just) mildly embarrassing. So if you're reading this, M -- Hey, I'll see you tonight.

Speed dating upDATE

So CFH and I are gracefully bowing out of speed dating tonight. For good reason. CFH has numba 2 booked for tonight!!!!! Obvi it's way more important for her to get her numbers up than for us to meet a few crazy characters (although would have made for some good blog fodder).

But no worries. To make up for these amazing stories that would have been, we will be going down a different avenue this week to meet men. Coffee shops. There is one in particular CFH knows of that attracts hot men in the film industry. The other one we go to will be somewhere in Brooklyn. And yes, we are doing this together. Stories soon to follow...